After much deliberation I have come to a decision. All three entries are great but the winner of the three chapter critique is:

Entry #1 Mathew's Dilemma

Congratulations! Send your first three chapters as an attachment (I use Microsoft Word 2007) to crit_write@officeliveusers.com.

AND since there were only three entries, if the authors of The Ward and Wolfsbane at Midnight so choose, they may send me their first chapter for a critique as my way of saying thank you for entering.

Here is our third entry in the Start Me contest.

Title: Wolfsbane at Midnight

Genre: YA Fantasy

Excerpt: A disturbance sent birds flying from the trees and startled Scarlet Dimity. Her breath caught in her throat as she spun around. She scanned the edge of the clearing, but only movement came from the ragged figures of scarecrows dancing in the breeze. Scarlet scowled. Building the scarecrows had been her first task in preparation for becoming a witch. Now she was assigned to gather herbs for Grandmother Aradia's potions. Although none of these preparations would matter in a few weeks.

Let the critiquing begin

Here is our second Start Me entry:

Entry #2

Title: The Ward
Genre: YA Mystery
Excerpt: According to the information packet and the short, terse letter I received during the summer, I had a roommate named Lamont Spencer. When I plunged under the covers that first night at Ward Academy, Lamont’s bed was still in pristine condition, sheets tucked carefully under the mattress. When my alarm shrilled the following morning, the sheets were scrunched in a messy ball at the end of her bed. She’d slept there at some point and departed before 6:30 AM.

Let the critiques begin.

So far, we only have two entries. Anyone out there want to give these two some competition?

Here is our first Start Me entry:

Entry #1

Title: Mathew's Dilemma

Genre: Fantasy

Excerpt: She was arriving today. I watched my wizard pace in the wide space at
the foot of his bed. I, being more sensible as felines are wont to
be, sat comfortably on the chest of drawers, observing him.



Let the critiques begin.

All writers know starting a novel off right is important. If the beginning is boring, the book goes back on the shelf . . . if it even makes it through the editorial process to grace a bookshelf.

So, dear readers, it is time to Start Me!

In this contest, I'm asking you to send me your first paragraph.

But before you go crazy with your submissions, here are the rules:

1. The submission must be the first paragraph of your FINISHED novel.

2. Slushy One's expertise is in MG and YA genres, so no adult submissions, please.

3. By submitting an excerpt, you agree to allow Slushy One to post the excerpt on this blog and accept critiques from the blog's viewers.

4. Viewers/posters agree to be nice and helpful in their comments. If you don't like something, please explain why.

5.Slushy One is allowed to leave comments and by entering the contest, you agree to let Slushy One comment on your work not only on the site, but also if you win a critique prize. Why is this a separate rule? Slushy One tends to bite. Therefore, you agree to hold Slushy One blameless for any damage your ego may incur from said comments.

Send the first paragraph from your MG or YA novel to crit_write @ officeliveusers (dot) com in the following format:

Screen name (which will NOT be posted):

Title:

Genre:

Excerpt:

Submissions will be accepted through July 25th or the first 50 entries (though we have yet to reach such a marvelous number) and a winner will be posted by July 31st.

And the prize?

The winner will receive a Slushy critique of their first three chapters. However, if we reach at least 25 entries, I'll up the prize to a FULL MS critique! You read right, a FULL MS critique. And I'll throw in a second place prize of a three chapter critique.

Now you must decide whether to help spread the word to reach the magic 25 entries and improve the prize, or keep the secret of this blog to yourself and possibly increase your chances of winning the three chapter critique.

Decisions, decisions.

It's June 25th and I was supposed to announce the winner yesterday. I hope you can all forgive me, but I'm having a difficult time making up my mind!

I've finally narrowed it down to four (in no particular order)

#10 Belladonna Dreams

#1 Shadowed Sins

#2 Wolfsbane at Midnight

#3 A Place Called Hope's Well

And here's why:

#1 intrigues me because I'm still drawn to the concept of the whole sins clinging to me like shadows. It may not be the best written bait and hook, but I can't stop thinking about it.

#10 intrigues me because I think there may be a great story lurking there and I love paranormal. While I'm more of a YA and MG kind of person, I'm still curious.

#2 intrigues me because I'm a sucker for a good fairy tale and this seems to have enough of a twist on the old version to pique my curiosity.

#3 intrigues me because I want to find out how she discovers who murdered her mother (and why).

I've been in a quandary for several days. I go back and forth between the four. I declined the help of my assistants (they were undecided too).

So, after days of indecision, the time has come to announce . . .

. . . the winners of a one chapter critique:

#10 Belladonna Dreams

And

#1 Shadowed Sins

AND because I'm such a sucker nice person, a 5 page critique goes to:

#2 Wolfsbane at Midnight

#3 A Place Called Hope's Well

Congratulations to all ten of our entrants. You all did a great job with your bait and hook. So many of them were intriguing and it was VERY difficult to narrow it down. I wish I had time to give everyone a critique, but, alas, time does not permit.

Thank you all for entering and stay tuned for another fun contest coming soon to the Slush Pile blog.

Now that all the entries and revisions are in, which are your favorites? Why?

The winner will be announced on or before June 24th so keep checking back. Thank you all for entering and spreading the word. We'll be having more contests and more opportunities for critiques soon.

Sorry I didn't get on here last night to post this, but here is the last of the revisions sent in by the deadline.

Entry #4

Title: Fictional Alter Heroes

Genre: Middle Grade/Fantasy

Bait and hook: 'Heroes never die...' That's what Kyle has always believed in before
the death of his father. He died trying to save him from an assassin
who proclaimed that Kyle is the destroyer of the world. Now this boy
has to face the wrath of the Apocalypse and angels that tried to kill
him twelve years ago and decide whether or not he would give his life
to save the world, or live and kill the ones he loves. But his choice
has already been made. All Kyle has left is revenge and a world filled
with six billion people just waiting to be destroyed.

What do you think?

Here is the third revision in the Bait Me contest.

Entry #3

Title: A Place Called Hope's Well

Genre: Contemporary

Bait and hook: When Maya's mother is brutally murdered, Maya is thrown into the foster care system. Not only must she deal with the small things, like a self-centered roommate and a new school, she must also deal with her grief. Yet grief turns to fear when she discovers the murderer lives in her back-yard.

What do you think?

Here is the second revision in the Bait Me contest.

Entry #2

Title: Wolfsbane at Midnight

Genre: YA Paranormal

Bait and hook: Scarlet's red hooded cloak is infused with magic and is supposed to protect her from the dangers of the forest. But when she meets the woodcutter's seventeen-year-old son, Oren, the cloak is powerless against the intoxicating attraction between them.

Days before her sixteenth birthday, Scarlet's dreams of following in her magical ancestors' footsteps come true; she receives the power to see people's past, present, and future. Only then does she discover the big bad wolf doubles as a human.

Now she must decide whether to help Oren find a cure for the curse placed on his family by her ancestors or seek revenge for her grandmother's death.

What do you think?

Here is the first revised entry in the Bait Me contest:

Entry #9

Title:  Eternal Beyond

Genre:  Fantasy

Bait and hook:  When the world outside of his valley home disappeared 17 years ago, Satri mourned alongside everyone else. Now, forced into the wastelands, he discovers that all is not as it had seemed: the disappearance is merely a feat of magic;  the wastelands a weapon; even he, himself, is not what he thought. Satri must use this new knowledge to discover the key to winning a war no one knew they were fighting, and to decide what's more important: restoring the world, or accepting it and moving forward.

What do you think?

Thank you to all who entered the Bait Me contest. We ended with ten entries which means the winner will receive a one chapter critique!

I'm grateful to all who entered and all who have left comments. Remember to please comment on at least a couple of the entries if you entered the contest.

I think this is going to be tough to choose a winner as several of the entries are intriguing.

REVISION

Since writing is all about revision, I'd like to make an offer to the authors of the ten entries. Since all of you have received some feedback, I'd like to offer you the choice to revise your entry and send it back.

If you would like to take advantage of this, please email your revisions back to me by June 18th. No revisions will be accepted after this date.

I will post the revisions as I receive them so they will be available for comment.

EXTENSION

In light of this revision opportunity, I will be extending the contest (though no new entries will be accepted) and the winner will be announced on June 24th instead of June 18th.

Let the revision begin.

Here is the tenth entry (Whew, we made it to 10) in the Bait Me contest!

Entry #10

Title: Belladonna Dreams

Genre: Urban Fantasy

Bait and Hook: Four years after she lost half her team (and the man she loved) on a ghost-hunting investigation that went horribly wrong, retired ghostwalker-turned-socialite Sapph Pendragon answers a plea for help from an old friend.  When she arrives at Crosley Farms, she discovers there are more things than she realized that haunt the Ghostlands - and that even the most innocent ghosts can hide deadly secrets.  Retrieving skills gone to rust is only part of the solution: Sapph must face her greatest fear and step back into the nightmare beyond the Border to stop a power-hungry phantom bent on returning to life.

Let the critiquing begin.

Here is entry number nine in the Bait Me contest. The deadline for entries is June 14th so hurry!

Entry #9

Title:  Eternal Beyond

Genre: Fantasy

Bait & hook:  When the world outside of his valley home disappeared 17 years ago, Satri mourned alongside everyone else.  Now, forced into the wastelands and dealing with dragons to save a friend, he discovers that all is not as it had seemed: the disappearance, the wastelands, even himself.  Satri must use this new knowledge to discover the key to winning a war no one knew they were fighting, and to decide what's more important:  restoring the world, or accepting it and moving forward.  In Dunia-fin, things aren't always what they seem.

Let the critiquing begin.

Here is the next entry in the Bait Me contest. Entries will be accepted through June 14th so keep 'em coming!

Remember, if we reach 25 entries, the prize will increase from a one chapter critique to a two chapter critique.

Entry #8

Title: NORMAL

Genre: Superhero urban fantasy

Bait and hook: Born with an overwhelming healing power, Celeste Reed has lived for
thirty years within the confines of her ability. The slightest
contact with her bare skin pulls her awareness into another’s body and
compels her to heal, whether the injury is a paper cut or a subdural
hematoma.

Then one morning, Celeste awakens and her power is gone. She’s normal.

Let the critiquing begin.

Here are the next group of entries for the Bait Me contest. We still have openings. Tell your writing friends to come on over and give it a try.

Entry #6

Title: Winter's Discord

Genre: YA fantasy adventure

Bait and hook: Ben Grange enjoys the comfortable life of a duke’s third son. It’s not until an attempt is made on his life that he realizes the world is a much more dangerous place than he ever thought and change is coming to everything that he holds dear to him. As Winter begins, Ben and his friends are thrown into a conflict that they don’t entirely understand, leaving them alone to deal with issues of loyalty, friendship and responsibility.

Entry #7

Title: Poetry House

Genre: Science Fiction

Bait and hook: My office was a rented cubicle in a shared workspace. My company was a probationary license on the Corporate Authority's server. My school
loans were due in full in six months. I needed a client. A man who
claims his house published a book of poetry and evicts him could be
that client.

All I needed to do was get him back into his house, and disprove the
whole thing is the rise of the singularity messiah come to repair the
world.

Let the critiquing begin.

Here are the first (and so far only) entries in the Bait Me contest. While entries will still be accepted through June 14th, I will start posting entries now and they will be open to critique by all readers. If you entered, please be kind and critique some of your competition.

I've decided to modify my offer . . . if we get 25 or more entries I'll up the prize from a one chapter critique to a two chapter critique.

Now to the entries:

Entry #1

Title: Shadowed Sins

Genre: young adult, paranormal

Bait and hook: You won't ever know me, but I'll know you better then anyone else. I'll know your secrets and the sins you try to keep buried.  From the one night stand on a business trip to shoplifting the necklace you gave your girlfriend, I can see it all.  I'm not telepathic or able to see into your future or past--your sins cling to you, like shadowy puffs of smoke.  If I draw close enough, or if one brushes against me, I'll know.  My name is Jenna Delmonte and I can see your sins.

Entry #2

Title: Wolfsbane at Midnight

Genre: YA Paranormal

Bait and hook:

Scarlet's red hooded cloak is supposed to protect her from the dangers of the forest as she gathers herbs for her grandmother's potions, but when she meets the woodcutter's seventeen-year-old son, Oren, the cloak fails to protect her from the powerful attraction between them.

Days before her seventeenth birthday, the Witching Ball grants Scarlet powers to see people's past, present, and future. Only then does she discover how dangerous Oren really is.

Now Scarlet must decide whether to help Oren find a cure for the curse placed on him by her ancestors or seek revenge for her grandmother's death. WOLFSBANE AT MIDNIGHT is my 50,000-word version of a classic fairytale in which "Little Red Riding Hood" unwittingly falls in love with the werewolf who killed her grandmother.

Entry #3

Title: A Place Called Hope's Well

Genre: Contemporary

Bait and hook: When Maya's mother, and only family, is brutally murdered, Maya is thrown into the foster care system. Not only must she deal with the small things, like a self-centered roommate and a new school, she must also deal with her grief and the discovery that the murderer is living in her new back yard.

Entry #4

Title: Fictional Alter Heroes

Genre: Middle Grade/Fantasy

Bait and hook: A boy born to destroy the world must give his life to save it, or live
and kill the ones he loves.

Kyle slaps and kicks the kids in his class--the nerds who deserve to
suffer for being such pitiful losers! He doesn't want to but he must.
It's the only way he can feel important--to show his father he's worth
something, even if he's just a stupid little boy. But little does he
know how special he truly is, or that an Apocalypse and angels tried
to kill him twelve years ago...

Entry #5

Title: Hearts of Ice and Fire

Genre: Steampunk fantasy

Bait and hook: An ousted prince hell-bent on revenge unleashes a power that destroys everything he is fighting for – some crimes are not meant to be forgiven.

For almost twenty years, the sorcerer has concocted his evil plan: to breed an army of imperfects, people who are physically maimed, but can shape the icefire that flows through the City of Glass.

With this army Tandor will conquer source of the power, the legendary ‘heart of the city’, he will stop imperfect babies being abandoned on the ice floes; he will re-take the throne that was taken from his grandfather, and punish those who caused him misery, and smite their families.

But in his arrogance, he unleashes an explosion of icefire not even his army can contain. Badly burnt and forced to flee to neighbouring Chevakia, he is humiliated to accept help from the very people he sought to dominate: the steam-age Chevakians, refugees from the City of Glass, and ‘his’ army of teenaged magicians, in their fight against the advancing wall of magic.

Let the critiquing begin.

We still several openings in our Bait Me contest. Submissions will be accepted through June 14th (or until we reach 50 submissions).

It's time to Bait Me!

What is Bait Me? Many in the industry call it a hook, but, to me, a hook is a one line blurb from your query. I'm a smart fish and I need something on the hook before I'll bite.  I consider the bait to be the lines in your query preceding your hook.

So, friends, writers, bloggers, send me your bait and hook. This is a contest but I'll get to the prize later. First, please be sure you understand the rules.

Send your bait and hook (no more than five sentences from your query) to crit_write @ officeliveusers . com in the following format:

Screen Name: (won't be posted)

Title:

Genre:

Bait and hook:

Now to the prize:

The winner of the contest will receive a one chapter critique.

The contest will be open from now until June 14th or the first 50 entries.

But . . .

if 50 entries are received, I'll up the prize to a TWO chapter critique.

I will start posting the entries and open them up for critique on June 10th. The winner will be announced on June 18th.

So spread the word and see if you can Bait Me.

Here is our one and only entry in the School Me: tension round. Feel free to leave feedback.

Title:  Eternal Beyond

Genre: Fantasy

Excerpt:

He sat up in the silent darkness, listening.  The river gurgled outside his open window, the wind soughing softly past the shutters, but there was nothing else.  Nothing that would have brought him so suddenly and abruptly from sleep.  Still, he couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something...something had happened, or was going to happen.  Despite the normal night noises outside his window, it felt as if the world were holding its breath, waiting.
 

He scrubbed at his scalp, remembering that he had been having the nightmare again.  In it, he had been four years old, and his mother had disappeared with Aunt Ri, while they were visiting in Midvale proper.  One minute, they had all been sitting at the table, eating.  The next minute, in the way of dreams, Aunt Ri and his mother had been on a bright red skiff drifting down the river, waving goodbye, when suddenly the skiff, his mother, and his aunt had all just vanished.

It must have been the nightmare that woke him up, he thought, as he continued to hear nothing out of the ordinary.  He remained unconvinced; there was still a certain feeling to the air - a heaviness, shot through with electric anticipation.  Or maybe that was just him.

He turned back to his bed and was punching his pillow back into shape when it happened.  A distant, muffled “whump” as of something gigantic falling, and his ears popped.

Let the crits begin.